


Whiskey Lullaby

by ash_mcj



Series: Marvel Songfics [7]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Friends With Benefits, Guilt, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homophobic aggression, Kind of Death, M/M, Steve Rogers Feels, Stony - Freeform, Suicide, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Whiskey Lullaby, but not really, it does end happy i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23963893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ash_mcj/pseuds/ash_mcj
Summary: Tony and Steve have been secretly sleeping together for almost two years, before Steve has had enough of it. He knows Tony cares for him, but he won't admit it. So, he threatens to leave...and Steve is nothing if not a man of his word. He didn't know he'd get in an accident. And he definitely didn't realize how much Tony loved him.[Steve is met with a choice to either hang on or let go when he gets into a horrific accident, and he chooses to let go. His angel shows him the repercussions of this decisions so he knows what he'd be leaving behind. It wasn't what he expected in the slightest.][I promise I can write (just not descriptions) and this will make you feel things...trust me and give it a read]**inspired by the song Whiskey Lullaby by Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Marvel Songfics [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530254
Comments: 62
Kudos: 317
Collections: Adorable soulmate stories (primary Tony/Steve)





	1. the accident and the ultimate choice

**Author's Note:**

> This will be sad, but I swear to you it will end on a happy note...warnings in the tags. This takes place in their early twenties. Not exactly a "no powers" AU...more like that stuff just hasn't happened yet in this story, because they are so young.

Steve Rogers was experiencing a lot of different feelings as the bus took him towards the enlistment office. He told himself that he kept checking his phone every few minutes because he was excitedly counting the minutes until he could get a fresh start and enlist, not hoping with every fiber of his being that he would see Tony’s name pop up. What was he expecting, really? A text asking him not to go? A voicemail telling him that he actually gave a shit whether Steve was in his life, or not? That was some wishful thinking. Tony Stark had told him time and time again, they were friends with benefits--nothing more, nothing less. He was not interested in feelings or relationships or anything even remotely human. Tony had two modes: cocky genius, and charismatic flirt. They weren’t on the same page with what they wanted and they never would be. The sooner Steve accepted that and stopped persistently glancing at his phone screen, the better. 

_“Hey, Steve. I have to admit, I was glad you texted. Today was kind of stressful...I could use a good fuck and you never disappoint.” Tony told him, tongue darting out to lick his lower lip as he neared the older blonde._

_“I’ve been thinking, Tony...it’s been two years and I have been so patient with you…” Steve started, taking a step back from him so that they weren’t touching._

_“God, this again?” Tony groaned, rolling his eyes and looking away._

_“I know you care about me. I can see it. It’s in your eyes and the way you act with me. When you drop this cocky asshole charade you’ve got going on and you actually laugh and talk to me. You wouldn’t do that if you didn’t care about me.”_

_“Look, I don’t know what you think you see, but me being friendly with you shouldn’t be very surprising. We’re friends. That’s it, Steve, you know that. Fuck buddies--that was the deal when we started this.”_

_“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I was wrong then. Stupid of me to hope.”_

_Tony tapped his fingers rhythmically against his black dress pants and scratched at the fabric softly with his nails, before finally allowing himself to glance back at Steve. He looked over his outfit and smiled, noticing his shirt._

_“You’re wearing the flannel I love on you. You know I can’t resist you in that.”_

_“Cut it out, Tony. I’m done.”_

_“Ooh, hard to get’s, getting me hard, Rogers.” Tony told him, playfully wiggling his eyebrows at him, but he couldn’t keep the uncertainty out of his eyes. Steve saw it, and it just backed up what he already knew. Tony cared, but not enough to actually do something about it. He wasn’t willing to go anywhere outside of his comfort zone for him._

_“I’m enlisting...active duty army. Tomorrow morning.”_

_“What?” Tony froze, the color immediately draining from his face. “The army? That’s...that’s such a stupid move--what, are you trying to get yourself blown up?”_

_“Protecting my country seems like a better use of my time than sticking around this city.”_

_The ‘with you’ at the end of the sentence was silent, but Steve could tell that they both heard it, anyway._

_“What do you want me to say, Steve? Tell you don’t go? Beg you to stay? You know me better than that. I’m not about to beg you not to do something stupid--that’s on you.”_

_Tony’s tapping against his thigh sped up slightly and he began shifting from foot to foot, obviously trying to figure out what to do. Steve wasn’t having it--it shouldn’t have been something to think about. If Tony said he was leaving, he would have done everything in his power to make him stay. Yet, Tony wasn’t even willing to express that he wanted him around._

_“I just wanted to say bye as a courtesy.” Steve shrugged, fighting the lump in his throat. They weren’t technically together, but this sure felt like a breakup. If Steve didn’t leave soon, he was going to start crying right there in front of Tony. He turned and started walking off into the night, before he heard Tony say something softly._

_“Don’t.”_

_Steve stopped walking, but didn’t dare look back at the nineteen year old. “Don’t what, Tony?”_

_He waited a few seconds, until he knew he wasn’t going to say anything else, and then walked on. After two years, he really needed more than one word. He deserved more than that._

Maybe the hardest part of it all was that Steve had let himself believe that Tony had really cared about him. He could have sworn he saw the _look_ in his eyes countless times when they’d meet up and drink beer or smoke cigarettes or fuck during their nighttime hang outs, when Tony wasn’t working for his father and Steve wasn’t with his friends or volunteering. That happy, dumb, hopeful look, tinged with a bit of lust and awe that blatantly portrayed the words ‘I love you’. How stupid was Steve to think that a Stark could have a heart to care for anyone with? He figured that he had wanted to see it so badly, he created the whole thing in his head--and that was humiliating.

All in all, Steve was furious. No, he was hurt and embarrassed more than he ever had been in his entire life, because he fell into unrequited love for the rich, famous, city playboy with the enticing brown eyes and the dangerous smirk. Maybe anger wasn’t exactly what he was feeling, but it was sure easier to handle, so he converted his painful emotions to those of being pissed off. He wasn’t sure who he was more mad at between the two of them. How fucking idiotic he had to be, to think that he could fall for someone like Tony and come out any other way than heartbroken.

Steve was so caught up in his despondency and frustration, that he didn’t notice the incoming semi truck, until it had crashed directly into his side of the bus. Everything was thrown into a blur, as the bus rolled and the passengers were tossed around, due to its lack of seat-belts. Steve barely had time to register what was happening, before his head smacked harshly against the window, knocking him unconscious.

***

When Steve finally managed to climb out of the darkness, he was certain he was dreaming. Looking around, he saw bright lights and tables holding medical tools. Surgeons moved frantically around an unconscious body on the operating table in the center of the room, claiming that the heart was flat-lining and they needed paddles, stat. He knew he had to be dreaming, because the body on the table was his, and he was staring right at it. His abdomen was open and his insides were on display--a sight he never thought he’d see, and never wanted to.

“Weird, huh?” A female voice from beside him asked, making him jump. Steve guessed that the woman was in her mid-twenties, and judging by the white blouse and navy slacks she wore, she didn’t work at the hospital. 

"Uh, yeah.” He said, giving her a subtle onceover. She had dark brown, shoulder-length hair and warm, hazel eyes. There was a calm, trusting aura around her, and Steve felt himself relaxing slightly. “Who are you?”

“My name is Peggy; I’m an angel.” she told him. “You’re dying, so I’m here to help you figure out your next step.”

“Wait--I’m--I can’t--that doesn’t...what?” he sputtered out.

“That’s a pretty gnarly injury you’ve got there.” she commented, craning her neck to see the body on the table. “Wow, that shard of glass pierced right through your kidney. Hold on...did it puncture a lung, too?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I already told you, Steven, you’re dying. There isn’t a whole lot else to it.” she told him simply, returning her attention to his spirit form. “I have some good news for you, though: you don’t have to die today. Not many people get this chance, so consider yourself lucky. You can choose to stay in your body, fight to recover, and live a full life, if you want. Or, you can stop fighting and that heart monitor will flat line.”

Steve knew that should have made him feel thrilled, grateful--maybe even relieved--but he wasn’t. 

“What if...what if I don’t want to?”

“What if you don’t want to live? Sweetheart, you are a handsome, good-hearted young man...you’re only twenty-two...you have your whole life in front of you and you have so much potential.”

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “Not really seeing a whole lot to live for lately.”

“Family? Friends? Relationships?”

“My dad died in a military accident and my mom left over ten years ago. I live with my best friend and his family. Bucky is awesome, but he has our other friends Sam and Nat. He would be fine after a little while. As for relationships...I’ve finally accepted that the guy I fell in love with doesn’t see me as anything more than a regular lay.”

Maybe he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t remember a single time in his life where he had felt more worthless. How had he been so stupid? How had he wasted an entire two years on Tony fucking Stark? He dropped out of college soon after attempting it, he was living off of someone else’s family, and he had done absolutely nothing beneficial for his life in who knows how long. He really didn’t have a whole lot holding him there.

“Steven, this isn’t something you can go back from; once you make your final decision, it’s final. That’s it. If you want to let go, you’ve got to be really sure.”

Peggy knew Steve would regret it if he decided to give up everything, but there were strict rules in these cases, and she couldn’t break them. No matter how much she wanted Steve to live, she couldn’t make him. Not that it would work, if she did. You have to really, genuinely want it, to be able to survive the resurrection and healing processes, and Steve obviously lacked that desire.

“I’m sure.” he said, looking over at his body on the table.

“Okay,” Peggy sighed.

“So...now what?” he asked, after a few seconds.

“What do you mean?”

“You said you were here to help me figure out my next step.”

“Oh, right.” she nodded, before looking down at an imaginary watch on her left wrist. “Well, I have some time before I have to get back to work...why don’t we go for a walk?”

“A walk?” Steve questioned, confused as he followed her towards the door.

“Yeah. Like, with your legs. One foot in front of the other.”

“Yeah, I know how to walk.” Steve said, letting out a small huff of laughter.

“Great, then come on.”

Steve expected to walk out into the hallway when they left the Operating Room, but he was met by gray skies and yellowing grass, instead. There was something familiar about the field, but he wasn’t quite sure what it was.

“How did we get here?” he wondered, looking around and noticing that there was nothing surrounding them--no trees, no people, and definitely no hospitals. “And where exactly is ‘here’?”

“You don’t recognize this place? It’s a Cemetery. You went to a funeral here when you were ten. A cousin on your mom’s side.” she informed him. “As for how we got here...I’m an angel, remember? A few magic tricks come with the job.”

“Is there a reason you brought us here, or...?”

“Oh, right. Yes. I keep assuming you will follow along, but I forget this is all new to you. We are a week into the future. This is your funeral.” she pointed behind him, and he turned around to see the small aggregation of people that was most definitely not there two seconds ago, when he was looking around.

The two of them walked closer and Steve felt a guilty stir in his stomach. There were a total of six people at the funeral: Bucky, Sam, Nat, Rebecca, and Mr. and Mrs. Barnes. They were all holding each other and sobbing while looking at his gravestone. As much as he wished he didn’t take notice of it, he realized that Tony wasn’t there. Figures.

He suddenly noticed a hooded figure walking past the field. The man glanced over at the funeral, giving him a clear look at his piercing brown eyes and dark curls, poking out from under the hood.

“Tony.” Steve whispered curiously, watching him speed up.

“That guy looks sketchy.” Peggy commented, following his stare.

“It’s that guy I was talking about earlier.”

“I think we should follow him. All these crying people are bringing my spirits down...Get it? Spirits? Because I’m an angel.” 

Steve stared blankly at her, and she sighed, defeated. “Tough crowd; jeez.”

“Why are we following him?” he asked as they chased him down the street.

“He seems like the kind of guy who would make life interesting, and I want some cool stuff to happen before going back to work.”

“Interesting is one way to describe Tony.” Steve mumbled bitterly.

Steve grew more confused as they followed him onto the Barnes’ street, which was also where he lived.

“No way,” he scoffed, when the Stark pulled a small metal tool from his pocket and easily picked the lock on the back door of the Barnes residence. “He’s breaking into my house.”

“While your family is at your funeral, no less.” she shook her head. “You really know how to pick ‘em.”

“Tell me about it.”

Tony quickly ran up the stairs and to Steve and Bucky’s bedroom, where he stopped abruptly and Steve and Peggy almost ran into him. Tony froze, staring at Steve’s bed. Steve wasn’t sure if the shorter boy was even breathing. After a couple seconds, Tony moved forward and sat on the bed hesitantly. He ran his fingers lightly over the worn pillow, and sighed.

“What is he doing?” Steve asked, mostly to himself. 

“Don’t ask me, you’re the one who’s been with him for a couple years.”

Something red poking out from under Steve’s dresser caught Tony’s attention, so he reached out and picked it up. It was the flannel he was wearing the night before, when he’d gone to confront Tony. He must have thrown it on the ground when he got home and Bucky hadn’t noticed to put it away. Tony brought the fabric up to his face and inhaled deeply, letting the scent fill his senses. He held the breath for a moment, before exhaling steadily and mumbling, “Screw you, Rogers.”

After a minute or two, Tony bunched up the flannel in his fist and swiftly left the room, going right through Steve on the way out. The blonde vaguely noted how odd of a sensation it was, but was more focused on trying to comprehend what had just happened. Tony Stark broke into his house and stole his flannel. Steve turned and tried following him down the hallway, but the second he passed through the doorway, the world spun around him and when it stopped, he was in Tony’s dark, cluttered room.

“Can you maybe warn me next time you’re gonna do that?” Steve asked, holding his head. It made him feel dizzy whenever she time-jumped.

“Sorry.” she shrugged. “This is two weeks after your funeral, give or take a couple days.”


	2. the beginning of the downfall of tony stark

Tony was lying in his bed, holding the flannel in his hands and gently picking at the buttons absentmindedly, while staring up at the ceiling. There were darkened bags under his eyes, his usually well-kept curls were frizzed and wild, and his tan skin was oily as if he hadn’t slept or showered in awhile.

“Tony.” a dark-complexioned man who Steve recognized as Tony’s friend Rhodey greeted him softly, appearing in the doorway with another guy. Steve and Peggy moved to the side of the room, to be able to watch them.

“Don’t you guys have school or something right now?” He asked, not bothering to look over at them.

“It’s Saturday.” He told him, entering the room. “Happy and I are getting worried about you. We haven’t seen you since the accident. You haven’t been answering your phone.”

“That would be because I don’t really want to hang out right now, guys.” Tony sighed, pushing himself up into a sitting position and grabbing the half-empty bottle of alcohol from his nightstand. He uncapped it and took a swig, before finally turning towards them.

“We know you’re sad, but...holding yourself up in your room and drinking isn’t going to help anything. You need to shower and get back in the lab and start trying to get back into the swing of things--it’s been almost a month. The sooner you get back into your normal routine, the better. Have you even eaten lately?” Happy asked, taking in the full sight of his best friend.

“I’m alive, aren’t I? That means I’ve probably eaten something.” Tony shrugged. His voice was hard and almost monotonous in a way that Steve didn’t recognize at all. The cocky, egotistical edge to his voice that Steve always secretly loved was gone and it made Tony sound like a completely different person. “And just because I don’t give you a play-by-play of my daily activities, doesn’t mean I’m just sitting in my room.”

“Tony, be straight with us. Have you consumed anything except whiskey lately?”

“I mixed it up with Scotch the other day.”

“Look, I know it’s hard for you to eat when you’re like this...if you don’t recall, we were the ones that had to rush you to the hospital after your mom died, because you started slipping into a coma from malnutrition and alcohol poisoning. This is serious, Tony. You need to either take care of yourself or let us help you. You need to--” Rhodey said, but was cut off by Tony, who glared at him with a fierceness Steve hadn't realized he had in him.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do and  _ don’t  _ bring my mother into this. You didn’t have to bring me to the hospital that night, so you can’t hold that over me.”

“I didn’t know that.” Steve said, sitting on the foot of Tony’s bed. “We knew his mom died when he was like fourteen and he ditched school a lot around that time, but...we didn’t realize he was doing that stuff.”

“Nobody questioned the fact that the genius child wasn’t attending school regularly?” Peggy asked him.

“It wasn’t our business.” Steve reasoned.

“Sounds more like nobody cared.”

Steve realized with a sinking feeling in his chest that she was right. No one at school, including Steve, bothered to check on Tony, because he was  _ Tony Stark.  _ Of course he was fine. He was always fine.

“We aren’t holding it over you, Tones. We’re just worried about you. We don’t want it to get like that again.” Happy explained. “Steve wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t want you falling into a downward spiral because of an accident.”

“Oh, stop acting like you know what he would have wanted.  _ I _ don’t even know anymore. The only thing I know is that he wouldn’t want to be dead right now, and here we are. That’s on me. I think for the first time ever, I actually  _ am  _ doing what he wanted. He wanted me to hurt because I hurt him--that’s why he left. Because I was a shitty person and he wanted me to realize that, and I have. He wanted me to admit to liking him. Obviously I didn’t, and that’s on me.”

“I know you blame yourself, but this wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have stopped that truck from hitting the bus. There was nothing you could do.” Happy assured him, taking another step towards the bed, but Tony flinched away from him.

“You know just as much as I do, how big of a fucking lie that is.” he laughed frustratedly, dropping the bottle beside him on the bed and digging his knuckles into his eyes.

Steve watched him with a sickening feeling in his chest. Was he crying? He’d never seen Tony cry--or show any real emotion in general--in the six years that he’d known him. He remembered asking Tony how he wasn’t affected by a sad movie one night, to which he responded that Stark men can’t cry. Steve honestly believed him.

“Tony…” Rhodey sighed, but couldn’t find the words to follow with.

“We both know that if I wasn’t such a  _ coward _ and just asked him to stay, he wouldn’t be...it is my fault. If I had told him, he’d probably be in his living room with Barnes and his friends, watching stupid action movies and eating pizza bagels. I can see it in their eyes every time I run into them when going to the store or whatever. They blame me, and they should. Now, I would like to end this conversation before Howard overhears it.”

“Maybe you  _ should  _ tell him. Like, you can say Steve was just a close friend or something. Maybe he could get you into therapy. You need to talk through this, because the guilt is going to eat you alive.” Rhodey suggested.

“Are you crazy, Rhodes? I can’t just...I can’t let Howard know about  _ any  _ of this. I don’t need to talk about my problems like some bitch.”

“Having feelings doesn’t make you a bitch.”

“Maybe not for you, but it’s different for me. I’m a Stark, and Stark men are made of iron. Or, so I’m told every other day of my life. Now, I’m done talking about this. It doesn’t matter anymore. Steve was a friend that expected too much from me, and everyone else should really learn a lesson from that--including you guys. Can you just go?”

Rhodey chewed his bottom lip for a moment while watching his best friend face away from them to hide his face. He and Happy knew there wasn’t much else they could do right then, so they just nodded and walked out, shutting the door behind them.

Tony took another swig from the bottle, before suddenly chucking it across the room at his bedroom door and watching it shatter into pieces, covering the door and wooden floors in shards of glass and alcohol. He scrubbed his hands over his tired face, before reaching them up into his hair and pulling enough to make himself wince.

“Fuck,” Tony choked out, taking some deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. Steve watched a couple tears spill down his cheek and wanted to reach out and wipe them away, but knew he couldn’t. He was dead.

Tony clutched the flannel to his body as if it would help him carry some of the weight he was feeling and laid back down. He put it over his face and started breathing desperately through his nose, obviously trying to find comfort in Steve’s lingering scent.

“Let’s go.” Peggy said, holding out her hand to Steve, who forced himself to tear his eyes away from the younger man. He took her hand and allowed her to pull him to his feet and towards the door.

“Don’t leave me,” Tony whispered into the red clothing in a voice so soft that Steve nearly missed it. He froze in his tracks and looked back at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape as he watched Tony speak to his flannel. “That’s what I was trying to say that day. I’m sorry I couldn’t. I wanted to.”

“Come on.” Peggy urged, pulling him through the doorway and into a place that Steve recognized as his friends’ favorite pub. He and Tony would go there sometimes, because he had a fake ID that was probably more believable than Steve’s real one.

“Hit me again, Clint.” Tony told the bartender, throwing a couple bills down on the counter top and sitting on one of the raised stools. His feet dangled quite a ways off the ground, something Steve used to pick on him for. He was pretty small, but made up for it with more personality than should have fit into someone three times his size. Clint set two whiskey shots in front of him and Tony immediately downed them both consecutively.

“I’m cutting you off now. You’ve been here almost all day and I don’t want you passing out in my bar, Tony.” Clint said lightly with a smile on his face, but there was concern laced into his voice.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m leaving anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Maybe try waiting to come back for a couple days, Stark. As much as I’ve loved the company and the business these past three months...you know…”

“See ya tomorrow.” Tony told him again, before leaving the bar.

Steve and Peggy followed him outside, and to Steve’s surprise, they actually did stay in this time. They were able to follow him down the street and Steve was confused as to where he was going, because he was walking in the opposite direction of the Stark Industries Tower, where he lived. They walked for about ten minutes and watched Tony stumble and nearly fall over a few times, before he finally collapsed down onto the sidewalk. He sat there for a moment with his head between his knees, before shakily taking his phone out of his back pocket and going to his contact list. Steve moved behind him to be able to watch what he was doing.

He opened Steve’s contact for a moment, hovering his finger over the stupid profile picture Steve had set about a year ago, where he was sticking his tongue out and flipping off the camera. Tony shook his head as if trying to physically shake out whatever thoughts were filling up his head, and opened Rhodey’s contact. He texted him his location and Rhodey responded by telling him that he and Happy were on the way.

It didn’t take long for them to get there, and they barely even parked on the side of the road before rushing to Tony, who was staring at the pavement. 

“You okay?” Happy asked, sitting beside him as Rhodey sat on the boy’s other side. 

“No.” he admitted, leaning into Happy. Happy and Rhodey both hugged him, encasing him in very warm, secure embrace that pushed Tony over the edge. He let out a sob, too drunk to keep his feelings in check, as his best friends tried to hold him together on that dirty New York sidewalk.

“It’ll be okay.” Rhodey comforted him.

“No, it won’t.”

Rhodey and Happy shared a look over the top of Tony’s head and silently agreed with him. Tony had never been this much of a wreck, even with Maria Stark's death. Tony didn’t cry in front of them with her, he just developed harmful habits. They’d never seen Tony break down like this, and they’d all been best friends since elementary school. They were a few years older than him and had always looked out for him as a younger brother, but they weren’t sure how to get him through this one. To say they were concerned was an understatement. 

Since they knew there was nothing to say, they simply hugged him tighter.


	3. the bad habits and worse nights

“Hey, Clint...my usual, on the rocks.” Tony ordered, walking up to the counter. Steve could tell this was a different day only because of the fact that the sun was still up. Tony looked exactly the same, except maybe having slightly darker bags under his eyes. 

C lint poured a whiskey over ice for him and handed it over, taking the money Tony was giving to him in exchange. 

“So...you need a shower, a haircut, and a change of clothes. Should I drag you home with me and help you out, or should I call Rhodey and Happy?” Clint asked, cocking an eyebrow at him challengingly. Steve noticed that Tony's hair was indeed growing much longer than he'd ever seen it. It was halfway down his neck at this point, something the old Tony would never have allowed. His hair was his prized possession.

“Wow, you really know how to make a guy feel pretty.” Tony winked at him, before taking a sip of his drink. “I forget you even know them. You guys are tag-teaming me now?”

“You’ve been wearing the same dirty outfit for months...it’s getting worthy of tag-teaming.”

Tony looked down at himself and seemed to take in his stained jeans, wife-beater, and the red flannel, before saying, “I’m fine. Just taking a break from the suits. They get boring, after a while.”

“I don’t believe you, and neither does Happy or Rhodey.”

“Yeah, well, life kinda sucks right now. There’s been a death, you know.”

“I wonder who’s fault that is.” Bucky grumbled, sitting down a couple stools over from Tony at the bar with Sam and Natasha. He shot a glare at the shorter man, but Tony didn’t even bother looking over. Clint frowned a bit, but poured the three newcomers beers.

“How’s it going, Bucky?” Clint greeted him. “Natasha, Sam, nice to you you guys.”:

“It’s going pretty damn shitty, thanks for asking.” Bucky replied, swirling the beer around his cup.

“You know...that’s a pretty familiar flannel you’re wearing, Stark.” Sam noted, looking him over.

“Yeah, not really your style. Where’s the button-ups and expensive dress pants?” Natasha asked him tauntingly. 

“As I was telling Clint, I’m changing my look up a bit.”

“Not going to say anything about how that isn’t even yours?” Bucky challenged. “I can’t believe you’re wearing that around after what you did. It's disgusting. Can't really say I'm surprised, though. Sounds exactly like something you would do.”

“Was trying to get me to admit that it isn’t mine the goal? Ding-Ding, you all win medals! What does it feel like to be super sleuths? The mystery of the flannel, solved by the three musketeers.” 

Tony downed the rest of his drink quickly, before sliding the empty glass to Clint and leaving the bar.

“Those were your friends, right?” Peggy asked, following Tony out into the street.

“Yeah.” Steve nodded, going with her. “They’re usually pretty good people--I’m not sure what that taunting was about. I mean, I do, obviously, but...you know what I mean.”

“People handle loss in different ways. There’s a grieving process and they’re trying to figure it out.”

They all walked to a field that Steve recognized immediately as the place where his burial took place, and Tony beelined directly to the headstone labeled,  _ Steven Grant Rogers, July 4, 1986 - August 24, 2008.  _ Steve figured he must have been there several times before, to be able to locate it so easily despite the sun having started to go down.

“I hate you, Steve.” Tony said, sinking to his knees in front of the stone. He ran his hands through his dirty hair and shook his head weakly. “You...you’ve always had this way to get under my skin. Not in a bad way, exactly. You just...you somehow manage to become a huge part of me, without me even agreeing to let you in. I don’t know how to describe it. You’re all I can think about, from morning till night. Everytime I look around, I think that I see you. I’ve started hallucinating or something--I don’t know. Maybe it’s your ghost and you’re watching me. God, I hope not. This is not how I would want you seeing me. Hopefully life just ends after you die and you will never know me like this. It’s...pretty pathetic, I know. Everything reminds me of you. Everything I hear, everything I taste. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think properly lately, and no matter how much I drink, I can’t forget you. Even for a second.”

He shifted to sit on his rear and fished a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. “I’ve been doing some self reflection and thinking a lot lately. Obviously, about you. I wasn’t sure that day why I couldn’t ask you to stay, but I know now. I couldn’t possibly ask you to stay when I knew that I couldn’t give you the life you deserved. You’d always wanted to go to the army and who was I to stop you? I couldn’t offer you a better life than the army could, so I couldn’t just ask you to stick around for a shitty life. The only life I could have offered you was one of being a secret and dealing with someone who could barely look himself in the mirror most days. I couldn’t tell you this before, because I’m not that strong of a guy. No surprise there, I guess. I always knew I wasn’t. Takes a big man to admit one’s faults, and that’s not me. You could, and I’ve always envied you for that. I’ve always looked up to you in a way, especially when we were younger. Steven Grant Rogers...always knew who he was and wouldn’t cower to anyone, no matter what. I wished I could do that...still do.” He took a cigarette out of the pack and set the box next to him in the grass while he took his lighter out. He cupped his hand around the tip of the cigarette as he lit it, protecting the flame from the breeze and taking a deep, calming breath of the smoke.

“He’s not wrong. You’ve always known exactly who you were and were unapologetically you. It even impresses me.” Peggy told him, leaning against the side of his headstone and looking down at Tony. “Big, strong blonde with badass friends that could kick anyone’s ass if they dared challenge you. Yet somehow being qualified to step up as America’s poster boy for everything good in the world.”

“It’s not brave or admirable if you have nothing to lose.” Steve shrugged. “I knew that my family and friends would be fine with me being gay and would be supportive of me always standing up for what I believed in.”

“Your modesty and pureness are impressive, I’ll give you that.”

“I’ve been running into your friends a lot lately. Usually they just glare, but they actually said something to me today. I think I was probably rude to them, but...oh well. What else would they expect from Tony Stark, right? Giving the people what they want.” Tony chuckled, but there was no humor in his voice at all. “Maybe if I provoke them enough, they’ll take a swing. Who knows. Experiment for the future, I guess. Is it weird that I want Bucky to hit me? I want him to just knock my lights out. I deserve it, and he deserves to get his anger out. I think it would be mutually beneficial.”

“That is the dumbest thing you have ever said, Tony.” Steve told him, even though he couldn’t hear him. He knew Bucky had a fairly short temper and Tony had a very developed skill of being obnoxious. He really hoped that Bucky wouldn’t beat him up. Tony was small and had no fighting experience--Bucky could kill him fairly easily. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing talking to a rock, but...I just want to let you know that I’m sorry. I really hoped that after two years, you would understand why I couldn’t...you know...express feelings or whatever. But it wasn’t fair for me to expect you to read my mind. I think the part of this I hate most is that if you were actually here, I would be saying  _ none  _ of this and would be treating you with the same cocky asshole routine I always do and you would probably be taking it, because that's what I made you used to. God, I’m a fucking dick. Why did you ever befriend me, Steve? Why did you do that? Why did you taint yourself with my...my fucking  _ mess _ ? I just...fuck, I hate you, Steve. I hate you for leaving. I really do. I hate that I made you leave.”

“Hey, Stark.” Another male voice said, causing all three of them to look up at Sam, who was walking towards them. “Sorry for intruding...I didn’t know you’d be here.”

Tony quickly wiped the few stray tears from his cheeks with the sleeves of the flannel as casually as possible, which wasn’t all that casual. The darkening sky hid his red eyes for the most part, though, so at least he had that on his side. If Sam noticed that he was crying, he didn’t say anything. Steve was glad he had that decency. 

“I’ll leave.” Tony offered quickly, moving to get up.

“You don’t gotta leave, man. I don’t own the cemetery. You mind if I bum one off of you?” Sam asked, nodding towards the pack of cigarettes on the grass and sitting across from the nineteen year old.

Tony was confused, but settled back into his seated position and held out the open cardboard box for him to grab one. He handed Sam a lighter, which he accepted with a, “Thanks.”

“Any time.” Tony shrugged, catching the lighter as Sam tossed it back to him.

“Sorry about the bar earlier. We’re all just struggling, you know? Especially Bucky. We shouldn’t have been making jabs, though. I think lately we’re just looking for a way to channel our feelings and fighting would let off some steam, so we were provoking you. It was really stupid. I’ll keep myself in check from here on out.”

Steve felt extremely grateful for Sam in that moment. At least one of his friends was thinking relatively clearly. The last thing Tony needed was more people telling him how much of a screw up he was. 

“You don’t need to apologize. None of you do. Make all the jabs you want, I don’t mind. It’s not like you have invalid reasoning. Better coping mechanism than I’ve got going on.”

“I’m a psychology major and I have no idea how to talk about these feelings, to be honest with you. It’s different when it affects you directly, rather than just therapist work, where it’s someone else’s life.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever talked about my feelings before this...situation. Can’t say I’ve talked much about them now, either. I really don’t plan to. That’s why we smoke, though, right? That’s why we drink.”

“Ain’t that the fuckin' truth.” Sam agreed, flicking some of the glowing ash off the end of his cigarette and they both watched it float slowly to the ground.


	4. the truth and the alliance

“I don’t understand why anyone is even blaming Tony.” Steve said, wringing the back of his neck uncomfortably. “I’m the one who chose to leave. Tony didn’t make me do anything.”

“Right, but...who blames the dead guy, when there is someone else to shoulder it? Someone you can look at and take your anger out on. It’s not that uncommon.”

Steve and Peggy walked up the familiar steps of the pub and spotted Bucky, Sam, and Natasha at the counter almost instantly. 

“Heyo, Clint.” Tony announced happily, walking in right behind the two of them. “I’m ready for my usual!”

“Tony,” Clint groaned. “When I said you were barred until the weekend, I meant Saturday.”

“Everyone knows that the weekend starts at 5pm on Friday.” Tony waved his hand dismissively. “C’mon, I’ve been looking forward to this all week. I even messed around in the lab and built a new robot Dum-E. I haven’t had alcohol in seventy-two hours, just for you, Rhodey, and Happy.”

“That’s great, but you shouldn’t break the cycle now.”

“Clint Barton, I have been looking forward to getting my hands on a Whiskey on the Rocks for three days. If you don’t serve me, as a paying customer, I will find another bar.”

“Kid, it’s been six months. There has to be an end to this. It’s turned from a bender into a lifestyle at this point and I don’t think you understand the consequences of what you’re doing. Alcohol isn’t a replacement for dealing with your problems.”

“I have an IQ of 270...I understand the consequences of my actions. Now, am I getting plastered in your bar, or someone else's?”

Clint sighed and poured his drink. Tony took his usual spot at the counter and handed his money over. 

“I’d rather be able to keep an eye on you, so I’m serving you here...But when is this going to stop, Tony?” he asked him, setting the drink down in front of the younger man.

“I’m not really concerned about the future, in all honesty. Whatever happens, happens. And if I wanted to talk about my problems, I would’ve gone to a shrink or something. I’m good with my booze and your lovely presence.”

“Starks have always been futurists...don’t you see what these bad habits are doing to you?”

“Well...I’m one helluva Stark, huh? Looks like I’m letting my old man down in a few ways.”

“Washed up at the age of nineteen.” Bucky commented, shaking his head. “Tragic.”

“Whatever, dude. I don’t need to answer to you.” Tony blew him off.

“Somehow, you don’t need to answer to anyone. You get off scot-free no matter what you do or how you treat people. Perks of being Tony Stark.”

“Are you trying to start something, Barnes? Because if you’re starting some bullshit right now, you better damn well finish it.” Tony challenged, standing up and facing him.

“Why don’t you grow some balls and tell everyone what you did? Admit to _me_ what you did. I think I deserve that. I'm the one that has to go back to our room and see his empty side of the room. I had to explain to my little sister how one of her brothers isn't coming home. I had to listen to my mom crying because she lost a son. And you, the reason he got on that fucking bus, are sitting pretty up in your rich tower with everyone in your life waiting hand and foot on you. It’s ridiculous.”

“Why do you think you have any idea what my homelife is like?” Tony asked, obviously confused as to how the conversation steered it’s way to him being rich. “That’s literally irrelevant to this. What is it you actually want, Barnes?”

“He used to tell me that people would randomly bring up his money in arguments and he never understood why.” Steve told Peggy, laughing under his breath. “I never believed him, but I guess he was serious.”

“I want my brother.” Bucky answered honestly, standing up to tower over Tony. “You know, I told Steve not to get caught up in all your shit and he didn't listen. I told him that he should find a real man, if that's what he was lookin’ for, because that's what he deserved. Most dudes in this city are ten times the man you are, but he just had to hang around with you.”

“Bucky,” Sam tried to intervene, grabbing onto his friend’s arm and trying to pull him back away from Tony. Bucky shrugged him off and took another step into Tony’s space, obviously trying to look threatening.

Steve was getting nervous for his boyfriend, but Tony didn’t look concerned in the slightest. His face was cold and neutral as he stared up at him.

“Is attacking my manhood helping you? Are you feeling better now?” Tony asked him, stepping right up to Bucky until they were nearly touching. “C’mon, big guy. You saying you’re a real man? Getting in my face and shit. Go ahead, show me. Show me how big and scary and angry you are, Barnes. Fucking let it out--you’ve already made a damn scene. Let’s go!” 

That was all the prompting Bucky needed. He punched Tony right in the nose, sending him stumbling backwards onto the floor. As soon as Tony was down, he kicked the stool at Bucky, who blocked it and tackled him. They rolled around on the floor for a bit, but Steve noticed that Tony wasn’t actually fighting back. Bucky punched again, this time in the eye, making his head slam down into the ground and look slightly disoriented for a moment. Steve clamped his hand over his mouth as he watched the horrifying scene in front of him.

Bucky got only one more hit in, before Sam and Natasha each grabbed an arm and pulled him away from Tony. All four of them were on the ground, with Bucky being physically restrained and Tony pushing himself up into a sitting position again. He had blood pouring from his nose and down over his mouth, but he didn’t seem too upset by it. He started laughing softly under his breath and took the flannel off, obviously not wanting to get blood on it. He tossed it up onto the counter and looked back at Bucky with a cocky grin on his face.

“Stop laughing, man.” Sam urged, the look on his face suggesting that he was wondering if Tony had lost his damn mind. Maybe Bucky hit him too hard...

“What the fuck do you think is funny, Stark?” Bucky growled.

“I think it’s funny that you don’t know what you want from me. You’ve hit me. Now what? What do you really want? You said you want me to admit it to you...admit what? This stupid game of you beating around the bush is ridiculous. Say it already!”

“I want...I want you to admit _it_. You know what...you never wanted to just admit it to him. To anyone. It was worth someone’s life! I hope to God he isn’t watching you from the Heavens and seeing that you really value your own fucking pride over people’s lives. How many more guys are you going to lead on? How many more need to die, before you get over the idea of losing your image? Everyone is doting over you and asking you what’s wrong and shit--and you can’t even admit what you’re guilty over!”

“My pride? My image?” Tony asked, laughing harder. “You think I give a shit about that at this point? I’ve spent the last six months completely trashed and crying on sidewalks and in cemeteries! You want me to out myself right here, right now in this bar?”

“No, he doesn’t. It wouldn’t change anything.” Natasha cut in, sending a pointed look at Bucky, but he wasn’t paying attention to her. “Come on, Bucky, we should go.”

“No, I want him to say it.” Bucky restated, a challenging look in his eyes as he stared Tony down.

“Fine.” Tony said casually, before raising his voice towards the rest of the occupants in the bar. “Everyone, can I please have your attention for a second? I, Tony Stark, am fuckin’ gay. A big ol’ gay alcoholic. Tell the tabloids, everyone. Get in your claims to the magazines fast! They’ll pay a fortune.”

“He said it. He always said he’d die before he publicly admitted that he was gay, but...he did it.” Steve said softly. He was just as shocked as the rest of the people in the bar.

“You happy now, Barnes? Is that what you wanted? Ruin my life because I ruined yours?” Tony asked.

“You didn’t just ruin mine--you _ended_ my brother’s. But that’s second best, I guess. Did you even care about him? Or was he just another name on a list for you?”

“Why the fuck do you think I’m in this bar from open to close every single day that Clint lets me? I come in here and drink more and more, hoping that I’ll find something strong enough to make me forget the way his laugh sounded and the way he would smile stupidly at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, but I _can’t_ . So, I try again the next day and the next and it just _barely_ takes the edge off. And then I get to go home and cry myself to sleep like a five year old girl, relive all the shitty things I’ve done and said to him in my dreams, and then every time I wake up, I hate myself more and more, because I know he is _never_ going to be able to wake up again and he deserved _so_ much better than that. If anyone deserves to be dead, it’s me, and if I could trade places with him, I would in a heartbeat. I get it, I killed your little brother. I killed my boyfriend. My best friend. The best damn person to ever walk these streets and the best thing that had and will ever happen to me. So, please, go ahead. Hit me. Punch me. Fuck, _kill_ me. I won’t fight back. Steve was the only person who didn’t seem to see me for the true piece of shit myself and everyone else sees me as, and I was too much of a fucking idiot to ask him to stay. Do your worst, James Barnes, because if you dont take me out now, my old man is going to fucking kill me tomorrow morning when this is all over the newspaper. You can get first dibs on me, if you’d like. But you’d better fucking do something, or shut up--because I’m not going to sit here and try to make you feel better when I can’t even make _myself_ feel better.”

The bar had never been more silent that in that moment and Clint was openly gaping at the scene in front of him.

“That’s the best damn coming-out speech I’ve ever heard in all my thousands of years.” Peggy said, slowly clapping for him. “I’m so proud of him for this moment in his life, even if it came about a little forced.”

“I don’t...I can’t believe that...just happened.” Steve stumbled through his sentence, looking between his adoptive brother and Tony.

Bucky stared at him a second longer, before relaxing and gently shrugging off Sam and Natasha. They let him go, knowing that the fire in his eyes had gone out and he was looking much calmer than before.

“I didn’t think it was possible.” Bucky finally said.

“Trust me, I didn’t either... but I didn’t last two months before falling for him.” Tony agreed.

Bucky sighed and stood up, before holding his hand out to Tony. He took it appreciatively and let him pull him up to his feet.

“Sorry I may have broken your nose...it doesn’t look _too_ crooked.” he apologized, smiling weakly.

“Just be glad it happened now that I don’t give a shit about my appearance, or you would have heard from my lawyers.” Tony joked, wiping his nose on his already bloody tank top.

“I’ve never seen Tony like this. I feel like I don’t even recognize him.” Steve said, watching him with tears coming to his eyes. Bloody, disheveled, dirty, and weirdest of all-- _open_. He was more honest than he’d ever seen him and it was disturbing, because he knew that Tony wasn’t trying to change, he was just giving up and didn’t care anymore, and that terrified Steve. “He loved me, and I walked away.”

“You didn’t know.” Peggy told him, reaching over and rubbing his arm comfortingly.

“Yeah...but I should have.”


	5. the displacement of a disowned stark

Tony jumped awake by the sound of his bedroom door being thrown open, the force causing the doorknob to slam into the wall with a loud  _ bang _ . He sat up, eyes wide and body rigid as his enraged father stormed towards his bed.

“Anthony, what the  _ fuck  _ is this?” Howard seethed, throwing the day’s newspaper into his lap. Tony’s face paled as he saw the bold-lettered title across the top of the page.

_**Howard Stark’s Prodigy Son Comes Out as a Homosexual and is Struggling with Alcoholism** _

“Uh…” Tony said, obviously trying to figure out what he could possibly say to save himself in this situation. “Well, that’s a classy title for an article.”

“Cut the bullshit--is it true?” Howard growled, grabbing a fistful of Tony’s dark curls and yanking him to his feet. Tony barely winced at the action, as if it was completely normal. Something in Steve’s stomach dropped and he took a step towards them, even though he knew he couldn’t do anything. There was a blatant fear in Tony’s eyes, but his face was cold and expressionless--surely a learned behavior to avoid showing weakness. It made Steve feel sick. “Answer me, damn it! Are you some pole-smoker?”

“Ye--” Tony didn’t even get his full answer out, before Howard punched him in the eye and knocked him backwards onto the bed again. He clutched the side of his face for a moment, before dropping his hand and looking up at his father hatefully.

“Do you realize what this could do to Stark Industries, Anthony? You selfish fucking idiot, you’re going to cost us the company! Nobody will want to buy from a business that is run by a fag. You’ve ruined  _ everything _ !” 

“Then don’t give me the stupid company--I don’t want it! I never have!”

“Of course you aren’t getting the company! A real Stark wouldn’t jeopardize everything because he wants to be passed around and used by random men like a fucking whore. You don’t deserve to inherit the business.”

“Passed around?” Tony scoffed, standing up on his knees to get more level with Howard. “I was with one guy.  _ One _ . And he’s dead now, so it doesn’t even matter.”

“Don’t tell me it was that Rogers kid from down the street that passed away last year?” Howard challenged. Tony’s eyes flickered down for a moment and Howard shook his head. “You really had to corrupt the best damn kid in the city, didn’t you? He was going places. You couldn’t have gone for some lazy, pathetic kid instead? Someone more like you, throwing their life away for no reason? You had to drag him down with you?”

“My gayness isn’t  _ contagious _ , Dad. Don’t tell me you’re that much of a fucking  _ idiot _ that you think it can be passed like germs.”

Howard backhanded Tony across the mouth, but the boy barely moved this time. He was expecting it and if it had hurt as bad as Steve assumed it did, he didn’t show it in the slightest.

“I’m not your fucking Dad. You’re no son of mine.” Howard spit. “Get out of my tower,  _ now _ . Don’t bother packing anything--I bought all of this. It’s all Stark property and you are no longer a Stark.”

“What?”

“Are you deaf now, too?”

There was a tense silence between them as they stared at each other. Tony finally broke eye contact and said, “Good. I never wanted to be your son, anyway.”

He got out of bed and shoulder-checked Howard as he walked past him, causing Howard to angrily grab his arm. Before he had a chance to hit the younger man again, Tony headbutted him in the nose to throw him off and ran down the hallway.

“I didn’t think...I mean, when I told Bucky’s family, they barely even cared. And they weren’t even my real family. I didn’t think someone could hate their own son because of something so stupid.” Steve whispered, watching Tony leave. Howard slammed Tony’s door shut and cursed as he walked down the hallway in the opposite direction that the other went.

“Howard has always looked for things in Tony to hate. He wasn’t smart enough...didn’t win enough awards...didn’t skip enough grades...Howard never thought Tony was good enough. The gay thing just really put the cherry on top and pushed him over the edge because it was a public issue that could cost him money. Howard’s money was always the most important thing to him.” Peggy explained.

Peggy walked through the doorway and Steve followed. Suddenly, Steve shivered as they stepped into the chilled air. The sun was going down and they were outside...on a bridge? Tony had slipped through the bars and was standing on the ledge. His back was leaning against the railing and his face was relaxed with eyes closed as if he was simply meditating there. Steve felt concerned for his safety, but he didn’t exactly look like he was about to jump.

The sound of a motorcycle approaching drew Steve and Peggy’s attention. Bucky pulled up and put his kickstand down, before dismounting the bike and walking up to the safety bars that Tony was on the other side of.

“Hey, Tony.” He said softly, trying not to spook him.

“Barnes.”

“What are you doing over there?”

“I could ask you the same question. I didn’t exactly post my location on my Instagram story.”

“Tony, I’m serious. You shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t. Steve should be here.”

“Damn it, that’s not what I meant and you know it.” Bucky said, reaching through the bars and grabbing onto Tony’s upper arm securely to make sure he didn’t jump. “Please come back over here.”

“I’m not jumping, if that’s what you’re stressing out about. I was going to, but I’m too scared. It’s a common thing for me. Being too afraid to do things I know I should do. I was hoping I’d somehow fall or something so I wouldn’t have to consciously jump, but luck wasn’t on my side, as usual.”

“Am I going to need to risk my ass to come bring you back over here, or are you going to come talk to me? I can’t think straight with you on the ledge of a bridge like this.”

Tony sighed and turned around to climb the bars and go back in through the small space he had crawled out through. He dropped down next to Bucky and said, “There you go.”

“I saw the paper.” Bucky told him, running his fingers through his long hair uncomfortably. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, that was crazy, huh? I feel like  **“Gay Stark With a Splash of Whiskey”** would’ve been a much better title, but oh well. Win some, lose some.”

“I’m serious--I’m really sorry. I was drunk and mad and just wanted someone to blame. Someone to hurt like I was. Like I am. It was fucked up and I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You were right. Never apologize for being right.” Tony said, clapping him on the shoulder and turning around to look out at the water below them. “It was just a matter of time, anyway. Would’ve gotten out eventually.”

Bucky shifted to lean against the bars. He looked carefully at Tony’s shadowed face in the dim moonlight and his expression hardened as he caught sight of Tony’s injuries. He had some bruising from the broken nose the day before, but there were new bruises across his cheekbone and his lip, which had been busted open recently.

“He hit you?” Bucky asked. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were hard, the way he used to look when Steve would get bullied as a kid.

“People like to do that.” Tony chuckled, shrugging. Bucky frowned and looked away.

“Sorry again.”

“My fault.” Tony said, shaking his head.

“No, it wasn’t. None of this is. Steve would have my throat if he knew that I had single-handedly beaten you up, publicly outed you, and got you disowned. You don’t deserve that. Steve wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“You  _ are  _ a super sleuth! I hadn’t even told you that I got disowned.” Tony said, ignoring the rest of what Bucky said. 

“Yeah, I was thinking of becoming a spy for some big secret organization or something.” Bucky joked.

“That would be perfect for you. Natasha, too--you both have spy eyes.”

“Spy eyes?” he asked, laughing. “You’re really somethin’, kid.”

“Why do you call me that? I’m not a child.”

“I know, but you are a few years younger than me and a foot shorter than me. I always looked at you as a little kid in school and it just kinda stuck in my head like that.”

“Yeah, I never got the height genes.” 

“It’s alright...Steve used to say you were ‘fun-sized’.” Bucky admitted, a fond look on his face.

“How emasculating, Steven. You can’t just call people fun-sized.” Peggy giggled.

“Bucky wasn’t supposed to  _ tell  _ him!” Steve defended, blushing. 

“Fun-sized? Like those little candy bars?” Tony gaped, his mouth hanging slightly open and his eyebrows furrowed in mock-offense.

“I mean...he always did have a sweet-tooth.” Bucky said, sending a playful wink at him.

“Yeah, I’m surprised he didn’t say it to my face.”

They stood in silence for a minute or two, both stuck in their thoughts for a bit, before Bucky looked over at Tony again.

“So, where are you going to stay now?”

“I’m planning on showing up at my friends’ apartment and inviting myself to live on their couch for now. Hope they let me.” 

“Do you mean Rhodes and Happy?”

“Those would be the ones.” Tony confirmed. “I should probably start going over there before it gets too late.”

“It’s dark...you want a ride?” Bucky offered.

“Were we on a date just now that I didn’t know about? I ate something weird for lunch, so I don’t recommend going for a kiss at my doorstep tonight.”

“Just get on the back of the fuckin’ bike, Tony.” Bucky rolled his eyes, straddling the motorcycle and patting the seat behind him. “Least I can do. Just tap my shoulders to tell me when to turn.”

Tony didn’t respond, but he got on and obviously wasn’t sure what to do with his hands. Bucky laughed, and reached back to grab his hands, securing them around his waist and causing Tony to be pulled against his back.

“Thanks.” Tony told him.

“No problem. Hold on tight.” Bucky said, before they took off down the road.


	6. the birthday steve never saw

Steve felt a pang of guilt rip through his chest as he followed Peggy into the dining room at the Barnes house, where he had grown up for a significant portion of his life. Sam, Bucky, Natasha, and Tony were seated around the uneven circular table he and Bucky had built the summer prior and staring at a small vanilla candle that was lit in the center of the table. The flame danced in the silence and threw shadows around the dim room. Everything looked exactly as it had when Steve left the house the morning of the accident.

“Bucky?” a little girl called under her breath, as if hesitant to break the heavy quiet. She poked her head around the corner to look at the somber group and waited for permission to join them. The energy radiating around the table was intimidating for even Steve to be there watching, and his adoptive little sister had always been extremely perceptive.

“C’mere, Bug.” Bucky told her, holding his hand out in her direction. She ran over to him and crawled up into his lap, immediately looking carefully at the candle that obviously held some sort of significance to everyone, before turning her attention back to her brother. She leaned forward and sniffed near his mouth, causing her to furrow her eyebrows and shake her head condescendingly.

“You smell funny. Like that beer stuff Mama told you not to drink anymore.”

“Yeah, don’t tell her.” Bucky said lightly, forcing a fake smile onto his lips. "I promise, I'm only having one sometimes now."

Steve frowned, noticing that his drinking had been so bad that his mother had gotten involved. That was his fault. Mrs. Barnes had already lost her husband to drinking and she didn't deserve to feel the stress and frustration of her son going down the same path.He hoped that Bucky was telling the truth about limiting his drinking--at least for his mother.

“Are you sad because it’s Stevie’s birthday today?”

“Yeah. These are Steve’s friends...we’re just thinking about him. We miss him.”

“Mama and me miss him, too, but he’s watching us from Heaven now. We’ll see him again one day.”

“Wise words from someone your age.” Natasha said, nodding. The little girl shifted to face the rest of the table and grinned.

“I’m almost six years old...my name is Rebecca, but I don’t like that name. I like people to call me Becca.” she introduced herself.

“Nice to meet you, Becca.” Sam greeted amiably. “I’m Sam and this is Natasha and Tony.”

“Oh, I know you!” she exclaimed, perking up and looking directly at Tony, much to his surprise. “You’re that boy Stevie stole my smart glasses from!”

“What?” Tony and Bucky asked at the same time, eyebrows shooting up.

“My smart glasses! They’re in my room...they are red in the front with gold on the little sticks where your ears go. Stevie said he stole them from you when you went to the park. He told me you were the smartest guy ever and some of your smartness was on the glasses and so if I wear them when I’m practicing my reading and stuff, I will learn faster.” She explained.

“Do they work?” Tony asked her after a few seconds, a genuine smile forming on his face for the first time in what felt like ages for Steve. It made his chest feel warm. 

“They work super good! I’m reading better every day.” She answered, nodding proudly. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but...can I keep them?”

“Hey, Steve stole them fair and square--they’re all yours.”

“Thanks, Tony.” She told him, before turning back to Bucky. “Are you coming to bed soon? Mama is asleep already, but I think there’s something under my bed and I need you to check for me.”

“Looks like it’s time for me to turn in for the night, guys.” Bucky announced with a sigh. “I have to go banish monsters.”

“I should be getting to bed, too.” Sam agreed, scooting his chair back and standing up. Natasha followed suit.

“Banish those monsters, Barnes.” Natasha told him as she opened the front door, then looked down at the little girl. "If you want, I'll teach you how to get rid of those monsters yourself. You're going to be the toughest one in your whole family when you grow up--I can tell."

"Really?" Becca asked hopefully. "Stronger than Bucky or Stevie?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"I believe it. Nat can teach you all the moves--she's a monster hunter." Bucky played along.

"Wow!"

“Those lessons can be later, though, because it is far past your bedtime, Bug. Goodnight, everyone.” Bucky waved as they left. Once they were gone, he reached out and put his hand on Tony’s forearm. “Stay as long as you want, okay? I’m going upstairs, but you can come get me if you need anything. Just...lock up when you’re leaving, yeah? There’s a key under the mat.”

“Thanks.” Tony told him, before looking back at the small flickering flame. He didn’t say anything else, so Bucky got up, lifting Becca into his arms as he stood, and carried her towards her bedroom.

“Those were my favorite sunglasses, you know.” Tony told the candle, as if it were Steve. “I thought I’d lost them...thief.”

“You stole my flannel--we'll call it even.” Steve answered fondly, despite knowing that he couldn’t hear him.

"I wasn’t going to come tonight, because seeing your friends makes me want to throw up. It’s like...this feeling in my chest and stomach. It’s not just guilt I don’t think--it has to be something else. It’s so strong and weird and comes instantaneously whenever they speak to me. I thought I was going to pass out when your sister came in here.” Tony admitted, reaching out to trace the slightly-peeling corners of the label on the candle. “None of them talk about their blame or anything anymore. They’ve been very...careful...around me since I was disowned and everything a couple months ago. I think Bucky snitched about the bridge incident. I can see it, though. It’s in their eyes. They blame me just as much as I blame myself, but they can’t say anything because they’ve jointly decided to walk on eggshells around me at all times now.”

Steve brought his hand up and softly caressed Tony’s cheek. He wished he could feel his soft skin and the way it would contrast when he’d brush over the stubble along his jaw. He looked a little more kempt than he’d seen him last, which Steve assumed was because Rhodey and Happy were forcing hygiene on him again now that he was living with them. As Steve touched him, he saw Tony freeze and Steve gasped. 

“Can he feel me?” Steve asked when Tony’s hand came up to cup his own cheek where Steve’s hand was.

“It’s not impossible...we are in a different dimension from his, but they’re overlapped on top of each other. You’re kind of a ghost.” Peggy answered with a shrug, but she looked a bit intrigued. “I’ve never brought someone through time like this for them to be touching people, so I honestly have no idea.”

“I’m so sorry, Steve.” Tony whispered, keeping his hand on his cheek. Steve kept his hand there as well, feeling like he could actually somewhat comfort Tony this way. “I don’t...I don’t know how many more times I can handle waking up and knowing that you’re gone. There’s five or six seconds every morning when I wake up when I don’t remember that you’re dead. Just...a few seconds before it all sinks in. The fact that you’re gone...the way I know your friends are going to greet me at the bar or at the gas station. The way they always look at me with so much sadness and anger. I remind them of you...of my part in your death. The whole thing is so shitty. Part of me wishes I could just stretch those six seconds out longer...the other part knows I deserve to hurt. I’ve fucked up so many lives and ended yours. But I won’t make you listen to my pity party...I got something the other day that I wanted to show you.” 

Tony pulled down the neck of his tank top to expose a small tattoo on the left side of his chest. Steve looked closely and smiled at the star with the initials ‘SR’ in the center of it. 

“No way.” Steve laughed, brushing his fingers over the still-healing tattoo.

“It was kinda a last-minute decision while passing the tattoo parlor a few days ago. I thought you’d like it. You’re...you  _ were _ ...sappy like that.”

“I’m sorry.” Steve told him honestly. He had made a big fucking mistake with his choice to let go of his life.

“I hope you’re doing okay in Heaven or whatever comes after this shitshow called life.” Tony told him, before standing and leaning over the beige candle. “Fuck, I miss your big dorky ass...I’ll probably see you soon, though.”

“What...what does he mean by that?” Steve asked, a cold feeling creeping up his spine. He turned to Peggy and she smiled sadly at him.

“Come on, he’s safe for tonight.” Peggy assured him, before walking towards the door.

“Happy Twenty-Third birthday, Rogers.” Tony told the flame, before blowing it out and leaving the room in uninterrupted darkness. 


	7. the hug for a guilt-ridden kid

It was morning when Peggy took them to the next time. Steve realized they were in Clint’s bar, but the chairs were still up on the tables and the only light in the dim room was streaming in through the barred window in the door. Tony had taken one of the stools down and was seated at the bar while Clint poured him a beer.

“How do you drink beer before breakfast?” Clint asked him, handing him the glass. "That would make me wanna throw up."

“It’s not beer  _ before _ breakfast, it’s beer  _ for _ breakfast. What can I say? It’s my eggs and bacon.” Tony shrugged, taking a sip. 

The door swung open and Clint didn’t even bother looking over before saying, “We’re not open yet.”

“If you serve Tony and not me, I’m suing for discrimination.” Bucky joked, closing and locking the door behind him. “You should really lock the door if you don’t want depressed alcoholics coming in here before opening hours.”

“Discrimination.” Clint snorted, shaking his head and pouring a second beer for Bucky as the man put another stool down to sit on beside Tony. “Why do operating hours mean nothing to you people?”

“Feelings don’t abide by operating hours.” Tony explained, to which Bucky held up the beer in a toast of agreement.

“It was either this or I was going to start picking fights with people on the streets to let off steam. Woke up in a shitty mood.”

“It was either this or I was going to throw myself off one of the skyscrapers in this beautiful city. I’ve been living in a shitty mood.”

“You don’t mean that, right, Tony? You know that’s not a solution?” Clint asked uneasily.

“Technically, if I were to do that, the problem would be gone. By definition, it _would_ be a solution.” Tony reasoned, looking down at the wood of the counter top. 

“We all love you, Tony. You know that, right? If you--” Clint tried, but Tony waved him off.

“I’m kidding, Clint. I know. It was just a joke. Not a solution.”

“Not a solution as in you won’t do it, or not a solution in the same way looking for peace at the bottom of whiskey bottles isn’t?” Bucky asked him, looking over at him with genuine concern. 

“What are you doing here, Bucky? Drinking before breakfast. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you...a sister...parents. You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t do this to them.” Tony said, deflecting the question.

“You shouldn’t be here, either. You’re literally a genius--you could do anything with your life, but you’re here more and more every week drinking things a lot stronger than the beers I do.

“You know that’s not the same. You can’t compare us like that. Howard will make sure that he puts in a bad word about me anywhere I try to work, because he doesn't want me producing anything for competing companies. I don't have a family. My two friends have had to become parents to me, making sure I do basic human things like showering and eating occasionally, which is ridiculous. I should be able to do that stuff, but I don't remember to. All the days blur together and I’m starting to not know when I'm awake or asleep. In both, he’s just  _ there _ . Constantly. I feel like I can hear him. All the time, I feel him. I buried my life six feet under nearly a year ago...I’m a lost cause. Steve wouldn't want you going down my path.”

“Tony, he wouldn’t want that for you either.” Clint assured him. “You might not have a blood family, but you’ve got us.”

Tony looked over at Bucky and told him, “I’m serious, Bucky. I don’t want to see you drinking this early anymore. I can’t be responsible for taking you away from Becca and your mom, too. I already took Steve. You can’t put these bottles to your head, too.”

Bucky shared a look with him, before nodding. “I’ll work on it...but you should, too. He really wouldn’t want you to throw in the towel.”

“You should’ve seen the way he looked at me before he left that day.” Tony said, rubbing his lower lip nervously. “Like he’d totally given up on me. Like he knew I was a piece of shit. I know that look--I'd gotten it from just about everyone except him. He was really done that day. He was ready to walk away and leave me behind. I don't think I meant as much to him as he did to me, but I'm so glad for that. He was my... _ everything _ . I have nothing without him. But he had you and Sam and Natasha and your family. He had goals and plans and just  _ so much _ to live for and to enjoy. I’m honestly so happy that he had that. But while he had all of that, I only had him. And that was enough for me. Now that I don't have him anymore, I don't really see a point. I really don't think he’d wish me any good feelings or fortune after how pathetically I failed him over and over.”

“You know, if you were as open with him as you've been with us these past few months, he probably would have understood more. With your dad and the things that caused so many fights. He used to tell me about them. About how he didn’t get why you acted certain ways or why you couldn't just give into your feelings. He would have understood, I think.”

“I know he would’ve...but that’s why I couldn’t. I never wanted him to understand. I never wanted him to feel weighed down by that stuff. By my shitshow. I  _ know _ how heavy it is to deal with. He deserved so much more than that. At this point though, with you, it doesn't matter anymore. There's no point in putting up a facade, just like there's no point to stopping drinking. I don't care anymore. I have nothing else to lose. I have nothing.”

“That’s not true, Tones. You have me.” Bucky argued. “Nat, Sam, Rhodey, Happy, and Clint, too. Those are a lot of good people that give a shit about you.”

“Half of you have to try to manage your pain in front of me, because we all know it's my fault that he was on that bus, but no one wants to hurt me more. Steve’s friends shouldn't have to walk on eggshells with me--he wouldn’t have wanted that. But here we are. I'm sorry for that. And not to be rude, but the only person that I want to give a shit about me is dead, and that kind of cancels everybody else out.”

“I don’t get how Tony can blame himself for everything.” Steve said. “I  _ chose  _ to leave--if anything, it’s my own fault for throwing a fit and running away from my problems.”

“Tony is the kind of person that wants to fix everything.” Peggy told him. “If he can’t, he feels that he’s failed. He’s always been like that. He can’t fix this, and he honestly  _ did  _ have the opportunity to get you to stay. Tony’s right--everyone somewhat blames him. Nobody wants to blame the dead guy, so he’s shouldering it.”

“I know for a fact that Steve wouldn't want you drinking your life away.” Bucky insisted, putting his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “He cared a lot about you, Kid. He always talked about you. Every chance he got, he was gushin’ about you. Your hair, your eyes, your height, your voice--he was crazy about you. Nat used to call you the husband whenever he would bring you up.”

“He’d always tell me that he knew I cared about him deep down and I needed to just say it once, for him, but i couldn't. He was the most important person in my entire life and I couldn't get past my fear and stupidity to just tell him. I’ll regret not telling him how much he meant to me until the day I die. He always wanted me to say it. Another thing on the list of ways I let Steve Rogers down.”

“He knew. He was just...he was stupid. He was dramatic. Running off to the Army over a boy was  _ exactly  _ like him. He should have considered your reasoning, rather than just thinking you were being stubborn or too proud or whatever.”

“He’s right--I am dramatic.  _ Was _ dramatic.” Steve agreed. “I’m so stupid--how could I have seriously acted like some teenager? I was supposed to be a mature adult and I acted more childish than Tony. I had no idea that his life could possibly be worse than mine or the average guy’s.”

“I know it’s stupid, but...I think a part of the reason I could never say it to him, was because he never said it to me. Like...I could never--still can't, really--believe that someone like him was genuinely interested in me. I mean, he alluded to it a ton of times, but he never...you know.. _ said  _ it. I didn’t want to look pathetic by being the first to confess my feelings. It’s a stupid fear now, but it seemed pretty big and daunting a year ago. Feelings are scary and complicated and I spent my entire life trying to avoid them--so I didn’t really know how to deal with them.”

“You're not stupid or pathetic. Everyone has feelings--I’m pretty sure you’re a sociopath or something if you don’t. Everyone fucks up, Tony; it’s not the end of the world. You gotta move on from your mistakes.” Clint urged. 

“How do I move on past the only person I’ve ever loved? I had him right there in front of me, wanting nothing but my validation of if I really cared about him, and I couldn’t. I  _ didn’t _ . And he left. And he died. How can I just move past that? My world  _ did  _ end.”

Bucky sighed, obviously not knowing what else to say. He slid off the stool he was sitting on and wrapped his arms around Tony, pulling him into his chest securely.

“You’re hugging me.” Tony said, his voice slightly muffled in the larger man’s shirt.

“You needed a hug.” Bucky answered.

Tony hugged Bucky back and clung to him, taking a few shaky deep breaths to try to keep himself from crying. They stayed like that for a second, before he said, “You...you smell like him.”

“Same laundry detergent...same soap.” Bucky shrugged and Tony hugged him tighter, which Bucky reciprocated. “He cared a lot about you, Tony. I know he did.”


	8. the end of the shattered stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning in this one! pay attention to the story tags <3

When the world around Steve shifted, he was left in the dark. He blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes until they had adjusted to the darkness. He realized he was in an unfamiliar apartment, by the looks of it. It was very tidy and smelled faintly of cologne and aftershave.

“This is Rhodey and Happy’s apartment.” Peggy explained, noticing Steve’s confusion. “Tony’s been living here for about a year at this point. He’s over there on the couch.”

Steve could tell that it was late--he could distinctly hear one of the men in the other rooms snoring loudly--but Tony was wide awake, staring at the back of his clear phone case where a Polaroid of him and Steve was on display. Steve moved closer to get a better look at the picture and smiled, remembering the night they took it.

It was shortly after their first Christmas together and Tony had built a small snowman in the park. Steve brought his Polaroid camera with him that day and managed to aim it just right to be able to get himself smiling in the corner of the picture with Tony sculpting his masterpiece in the background. 

Suddenly, Tony ripped his phone case off and took the Polaroid out, slipping it into his pocket before rolling off the couch onto his feet. He tossed his phone and the case onto the couch cushion once he was standing and left it there as he walked down the hallway. A few seconds later, he came back into the living room with a small orange bottle, which he also pocketed.

A horrible feeling began stirring in Steve’s stomach as he watched Tony grab a bottle of Whiskey from the freezer and walk out the front door in nothing but a pair of sweats, a tank top, and boots that looked a bit too big for him. Steve guessed they were Rhodey’s. 

Once they were out on the street under the lights, Steve was able to get a much better look at him. He was significantly thinner than the last time Steve had seen him. How long was that? Six months? The man Steve was following down the street was nearly unrecognizable. He had deep purple bags under both eyes and an empty gaze as he looked down at the ground in front of him. Tony’s eyes had always been the most expressive thing about him--whenever he accidentally let his walls slip down for a moment, it was obvious in the way his eyes would light up and pull you in. Eyes really were the window to the soul in Tony’s case. So, the fact that they held... _ nothing _ was quite unnerving. 

Tony didn’t even bother hiding the bottle of whiskey as he made his way quickly through the streets, but no one seemed to notice or care anyway. Before long, they made it to the cemetery and he rushed to Steve’s gravestone without needing to look up at all. He immediately collapsed down onto his knees on the frozen ground and placed his bare hand on the stone, brushing his fingers over Steve’s name. Steve noticed that he wasn’t even shivering, despite his lack of clothing and the cold air blowing his messy curls around his face. Steve couldn’t feel the air properly, but he knew from living there all his life that New York winter air was the kind that seeped deep into your bones and left your entire body aching. It seemed like Tony wasn’t phased at all--like his awareness of the world around him had just shut off.

“I can’t do this anymore, Steve.” Tony whispered, his voice barely audible. He slowly fished the orange bottle out of his pocket and Steve was now able to see that it was James Rhodes’ mostly-full prescription for sleeping pills. Steve lowered himself slowly to the ground and sat beside him as the weight of what Tony was saying sunk in. “I can’t wake up tomorrow...not again. I can’t handle facing another day without you here. I’m not strong enough.”

“Please don’t do this.” Steve pleaded quietly. He watched Tony unscrew the cap to the medicine bottle and pour half of the small pills into his hand.

“It  _ hurts _ .” Tony continued, his voice breaking slightly. Tears began falling down his pale cheeks and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. “You were it for me, Steve. I know we were only together--unofficially, at that--for two years, but...fuck. I just knew. I knew you were  _ the one  _ or whatever. I’d always felt drawn to you in school and when I finally got to...I don’t know...kind of be with you, I knew you were who I was meant to be with. I was just scared. I’m such an idiot. This whole thing sounds pathetic, but I don’t know how else to explain it--I just  _ knew _ .”

“I knew, too. We were both stupid.” Steve told him, reaching out to touch his exposed forearm just above the hand that was holding the sleeping pills. “I’m so sorry, Tony.”

“I can f-feel you.” Tony said, letting a full sob wrack through his body. His breathing began to speed up and he tried taking some deep breaths to avoid hyperventilating. “I’m sorry...but I have to do this. I have to.”

Tony grabbed the bottle of alcohol with his free hand and held it between his thighs as he unscrewed the cap. He shut his eyes for a moment, before nodding to himself and bringing his hand up to his lips. He dumped the pills into his mouth and washed them down with a few large swallows of the whiskey.

“A part of me always hoped that I’d get brave enough to just run away with you one day. I used to fantasize about it from time to time.” Tony admitted, before laughing quietly and shaking his head. “Get married. Start a family. Away from New York--away from Howard and everything. Maybe build a cabin in the woods by a lake. I like lakes...I don’t know if I ever told you that.”

“He didn’t tell me.” Steve mumbled, glancing over at Peggy, who was watching them from a few feet away. “Sounds nice.”

Tony took a few more swigs from the bottle, before continuing. “That wouldn’t have been fair, though. I couldn’t have taken you from your family, just because I wanted to run from my shit. I guess it was doomed from the start. Figures.”

Tony shifted his body to lean his back against the stone and pulled the polaroid from his pocket. He was nursing the alcohol as he stared down at the picture with a smile on his face. After a minute or two, Tony shut his eyes tightly and opened them again, obviously having trouble seeing the picture clearly. He finally gave up and put it back in his pocket, then looked up at the sky.

“Tell me...tell me this: Why’d we ne’er...why didn’t we watch th’ stars together? They’re beau’ful. They’d be better in the woods, though.” Tony slurred. Steve noticed that his breathing was becoming more labored, but Tony didn’t seem concerned. He still retained the tranquil smile on his face that he’d had since taking the pills. As morbid as the thought was, Steve thought this was the most peaceful Steve had seen him during this whole time travel adventure. “I love you, Steve. I’m gonna go to sleep now...I’ll see ya soon.”

Tony gazed at the sky for a few more seconds, before closing his eyes. He was still breathing, but Steve knew he wouldn’t be for long. There was no way he was going to wake up again with that concoction of pills and booze in his system.

“He can’t...he can’t just die. Not like this.” Steve cried. “This isn’t even  _ Tony _ , this is...I don’t even know who this is.”

“This  _ is  _ Tony. The one he didn’t want you seeing. The one he didn’t want  _ anyone _ seeing. He was a broken kid...always had been. This time, though, he got too low...he couldn’t get himself back up.” Peggy said softly, sitting down in front of Steve. “Stronger men have fallen for less than lost love--I’ve seen it. Sometimes people’s demons are just too much. He had no reason to fight them anymore.”

“I thought...I thought he’d be sad for a little while, but I didn’t think this would happen. Any of this. I knew he meant a lot to me and that he did care about me, but I didn’t think it was like  _ this _ . I didn’t think he  _ loved  _ me. I didn’t think he  _ needed  _ me.” Steve rambled, putting his face in his hands. “He never told me! It wasn’t supposed to go like this.”

“Well...what did he really have to live for, though? An abusive, homophobic father that disowned him? Homelessness? Friends that now saw how broken he really was--how broken he’d always been--and had no idea how to help him, because he didn’t know how to help himself? The whole world now knew him as a gay alcoholic that threw his entire life away. When you have that much trying to hold you underwater, you stop trying to swim.”


	9. the broken boy's whiskey lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included the lyrics to the song that inspired this short story (Whiskey Lullaby), which are italicized!

“This is the last stop on our trip.” Peggy said, and when Steve pulled his hands away from his face, he noticed that their surroundings had changed. He didn’t even feel it when they phased to a different time now--his body had gotten used to it at this point. As he looked around, he realized that it wasn’t a completely different scene--just slightly altered. The sun was setting on the cemetery, so he figured it was probably around five or six at night, and his friends were sitting where Tony had been only moments before. Beside his own tombstone, there was another one that read ‘Anthony Edward Stark’. “Tony didn’t have an official funeral, per his father’s request, but everyone bullied Howard into letting them bury him next to you. Your friend Natasha was the real mind-changer for him. She’s a feisty one, huh?”

“Tony didn’t even get a funeral?” Steve asked. How could someone hate their son that much just because they happened to love men?

“Not officially, but this right here is the funeral your friends made for him. I thought you’d like to see that he wasn’t completely alone. These guys cared about him a great deal by the time he finally decided it was too much for him to handle anymore.”

Bucky opened a portable cooler and started taking out chilled cans of lemonade and passing them around to Sam, Natasha, Rhodey, Clint, and Happy. Once everyone had one, he opened his can and held it in the air. “A toast to Tony and Steve.”

“If Steve’s feelings were anything like Tony’s, then they had something not many people ever find.” Natasha said, holding her’s up as well. “Only 1 in 10,000 people find their soulmate.”

“I never understood how the humans got ahold of that statistic...it’s actually true.” Peggy confirmed.

_ He put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette _

_ He broke his heart; he spent his whole life tryin' to forget _

_ We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time _

_ But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind _

“I can’t believe he was only twenty years old--barely done with being a kid.” Clint sighed, taking a sip from his drink. “He wasn’t even old enough to legally drink yet.”

“Tony never got to be a kid.” Rhodey shook his head. “He had Howard for a dad.”

“That son of a bitch would always get in his head, since he was little. He used to come to school with bruises all the time, but would always swear up and down they were self-inflicted or he was just clumsy. Plus, any CPS cases against Howard always disappeared with a check. He’d make him believe that admitting to being scared or really having any feelings at all made him weak...and he refused to have a weak son.” Happy said angrily. “I can’t imagine living my whole life being beaten for being human, losing my soulmate, and then being disowned for loving someone.”

“Makes sense why he was always so cocky and arrogant...that was the only way he was allowed to act.” Natasha agreed.

“As much as I hoped I was wrong, I knew he was screwed the day his mom died.” Rhodey admitted. “She wasn’t the best parent, but without her, he didn’t have any kind of emotional support. I mean, he had us, but...it’s different when your family genuinely hates you for who you are.”

“He was so soft...always picking flowers and catching ladybugs and stuff when he was younger...it was only a matter of time before Howard ran him into the ground. Took his personality and beat it deep within him so that nobody would ever see it. Stark men are made of iron.” Happy said.

“Is it possible to die from a broken heart? To actually not be able to live without someone?” Sam asked them.

“I don’t know...but if it was possible, then that’s what happened. I’ve never seen someone deteriorate in front of me like that before.” Bucky said. “When he lost Steve, he lost everything. His entire life slipped through his fingers. I’ve never seen a 180 like that before. I feel like the guy we went to school with and the Tony we buried weren’t the same person at all.”

“They weren’t.” Happy agreed. “But it wasn’t just losing Steve that killed him...it was all the guilt and regret that he couldn’t escape from.”

_ The rumors flew but nobody knew how much he blamed himself _

_ For years and years he tried to hide the whiskey on his breath _

_ He finally drank his pain away a little at a time  _

_ But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind _

_ Until the night _

“Tony was probably scared shitless when he’d fallen for a guy while living in the Stark House of Horrors.” Sam realized. “Plus, he was famous...so he knew that everything he did could easily get back to his father and the entire world in a matter of seconds. And he  _ still _ met up with Steve. I mean damn, I would’ve been terrified. Anyone would’ve. Steve should’ve known that.”

“He’s right.” Steve agreed, crawling over to trace his fingers over Tony’s name etched into the stone. “I did know...I was just too selfish and wanted to  _ hear  _ it. I wanted him to admit it so badly--and I don’t even know why. I guess it was just because he wouldn’t. I wanted to make him. Almost like a challenge or something. I wanted him to be himself, but I didn’t really think about what that would mean for him. I just pushed and pushed, and when he didn’t do what I wanted, I got frustrated and walked away like an asshole.”

“He wasn’t a mind-reader.” Natasha defended, but she didn’t seem to hold much passion behind the defense. Almost like it was just instinctual to defend her friend, rather than her actually meaning it. “You can’t blame someone for leaving when nobody is doing anything to make them stay.”

“I’ve been thinking.” Clint started. “Did Steve ever even tell Tony that he cared about him? I’ve heard countless drunken stories about them over this past year, but they’ve never included Steve saying that he did care or that he loved him. He was always just trying to get Tony to admit it.”

“Maybe Steve didn’t love him. Maybe he just wanted to prove to Tony that he could love someone, even with his seemingly iron Stark heart. Like a game.” Rhodey suggested with a hard edge to his voice.

“That’s not true.” Steve disagreed, tears clouding his vision as he realized that he really never did express his love for Tony. “I loved him. God, did I love him...more than anything. I’ve loved him since we were in high school, before we even started the whole friends-with-benefits-turned-secret-boyfriends thing. I was just...I was always afraid that if I said anything, I’d run him off. I always felt like I was more invested in the relationship because he never really seemed to care too much. It was always jokes and deflecting and I didn’t...I didn’t understand. It made me insecure, I guess. I wanted him to say he was in love with me first.”

“Did Steve ever say anything about loving Tony to you, Buck?” Natasha asked him.

“Not exactly...I mean, he talked about how much he was crushing on him and stuff, but never actually  _ said  _ that he loved him. I’m sure he did, though. I mean...fuck, I hope he did.”

“I need to believe that they loved each other, because the idea of Tony killing himself for someone who didn’t love him back makes this hurt a lot worse.” Happy shook his head. 

_ He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger _

_ And finally drank away his memory _

_ Life is short but this time it was bigger _

_ Than the strength he had to get up off his knees _

“I hate that Tony died a depressed drunk...he was such a great guy. So smart. He could really do anything he put his mind to.” Rhodey sighed.

“Regret can bring even the strongest person to their knees.” Clint said. “That kid had way more regrets and way more shit happen to him in his twenty years than I would have lived though. I wouldn’t have made it to twenty, that’s for sure.” 

“Tony hated himself and doubted everything he ever did. Everything except his love for Steve, even if he couldn’t admit it to him. I knew when they buried him that he wasn’t going to get past this. What was there to live for at that point, you know? The poor kid was doomed from the start, as much as I hate to say it. He was dealt a really bad hand in life.” Happy said.

“Fuck Howard--Tony was the strongest guy I’d ever met. Nothing weak about him.” Rhodey stated, fishing another lemonade out of the cooler and opening it. 

_ We found him with his face down in the pillow _

_ With a note that said I'll love him till I die _

_ And when we buried him beneath the willow _

_ The angels sang a whiskey lullaby _

“Do you know why I’ve taken you on this little adventure through time, Steve?” Peggy asked, placing her hand on Steve’s shoulder comfortingly. 

“To show me how much of an idiot I am? That I made the wrong choice? That I did have a reason to live, but I was too busy being a selfish asshole to see it?”

“Yes, but I haven’t been entirely honest with you about who I am.” She revealed. “You see, I’m not an ordinary guardian angel--I’m a soulmate angel. My job is essentially that I am given two souls and I try to subtly push them into each other’s lives. They might live across the world from each other, or they might live next door. Most never get the opportunity to find each other, but soulmate guardian angels are supposed to do two things: keep their two souls alive and help them get together. The thing is, though, once the souls find each other and that bond is made, they aren’t meant to be separated. When one dies, the other almost always follows shortly after. Those types of bonds aren’t meant to be broken.”

“Wait, so you’re...you’re Tony and I’s soulmate angel?” Steve asked her as he wiped his eyes.

“I am.” She confirmed. “I’ve been watching you both since you were born and you were actually the first pair of souls that I didn’t help push together at all. I have seen your entire past, present, and future, and I didn’t plan on allowing your bond to form because of Tony’s circumstances...but you two found each other on your own. I’ve never rooted for humans as much as I rooted for you guys, honestly. I’ve broken a thousand rules showing you all of this, but I didn’t want to let you throw everything away without you understanding what you’d be giving up. Despite all the shitty conditions, you two were a couple of the lucky ones. Very few people get a soulmate, let alone find them and solidify their bond.”

“I’ve ruined everything. I literally gave up my  _ soulmate _ , just because I was frustrated that my secret boyfriend wouldn’t give everything in his life up for me. I’m such an idiot!”

“Well...it’s not too late to fix it. Your timestream was paused when we left it, so you can go back and choose to stay. You’re still laying in that Operating Room right now. Would you like to reconsider your previous choice?” Peggy offered

“Are you serious?” Steve asked desperately, grabbing onto her hand. “I can stay?”

“You can.” Peggy assured him, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes, yes, please--I want to stay. I need to stay.” Steve nodded, standing up. 

“Good choice.” She smiled, reaching up to ruffle his blonde hair. “I hope I don’t see either of you again for a long time, Mister. In the meantime, I’ll be watching to make sure neither of you try to actively ruin everything again.”

The last thing Steve saw was Peggy snap her fingers, before he fell unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY, GUYS! We have all survived the angst. Next chapter will be the last one and there is NO sadness in it. All loves and happiness. The chapter we've been needing after this angst fest. I will post it very soon. Thank you guys for sticking through this <3


	10. the chance to say i love you

When Steve began waking up, the first thing he noticed was how much pain he was in. His chest and abdomen felt tight, as if they were wrapped up. His eyelids felt weighed down and he had to focus in order to force them open. When he could see, he looked down at himself, confirming that he was heavily bandaged and connected to several machines. It was odd to hear his own heartbeat beeping on the monitor beside his bed.

Memories of the accident came rushing back to him, along with the time he spent with Peggy.. Was that real? It must have been--it felt _so_ real. He needed to talk to Tony.

“Stevie, thank God.” Bucky said, noticing that he’d woken up. He was slumped over the side of the hospital bed in a chair, where Steve was pretty sure he’d been for a while judging by his tired, slightly disheveled look. He quickly typed something into his phone, before setting it back on the bed. “You’ve been out for almost a week. Mom’s at home letting Becca sleep, but I just texted her to let her know that you woke up. Your heart stopped _twice_ , bro. Scared the hell out of us.”

“Sorry.” Steve apologized, his voice hoarse. “There water?”

“I’ll go get the doc. I’ll be right back, okay?” Bucky told him, giving his hand another squeeze, before standing up. 

“Wait, can I...can I see your phone?”

“My phone?” Bucky asked, confused. “Sure, but...I already told Mom. They should be coming soon.”

“It’s not for Mom.” Steve told him, reaching for the phone. “I need to call Tony.”

“Seriously? I thought you were over this whole thing with Stark. He’s not--”

“He _is_ .” Steve said sternly with a glare at his adoptive brother that almost dared him to argue. “He _is_ worth it, Bucky.” 

“I’ll be back.” Bucky sighed, motioning for Steve to take his phone.

As soon as he left the room, Steve unlocked the phone and punched in the phone number he was glad to have memorized. The last time he’d seen Tony, he was laying on the grass--no, he couldn’t think about that. That didn’t happen...it _wouldn’t_ happen.

 _“Tony Stark.”_ The familiar voice answered, laced with the upbeat cockiness that Steve had missed more than anything. _“Uh, hello? My time is worth quite a bit, so if we’re just going to play air silence, I’m gonna go.”_

“It’s me.” Steve said quickly, not wanting him to hang up.

 _“Rogers?”_ Tony asked, recognizing the voice. _“Who’s phone is this?”_

“It’s Bucky’s.” 

_“Okay...didn’t you fuck off to the military or something?”_

“I was in an accident on the way to the enlisting office, so...no.”

There was a silence for a second, before Tony said, _“Yeah, I know...you okay?”_

“Yeah...I guess I had a few issues or whatever, and I definitely look like crap, but I’ll be fine.”

_“Rogers, your heart stopped twice and they had to remove a kidney because you were impaled by glass. That’s not a ‘few issues’, that’s fuckin’ scary. You sure you’re okay?”_

“How did you know that?”

 _“I, uh…”_ Tony said, losing a bit of his cockiness. If Steve didn’t know any better, he sounded embarrassed. _“Look, it’s not like I had any other way to keep an eye on you. I couldn’t just go to the hospital with your whole family there. I had to make sure you weren’t dead.”_

“Tony, did you hack into my hospital records?” Steve asked, silently chuckling and shaking his head.

 _“Are you laughing at me?”_ Tony accused. _“Don’t even try to lie--I can hear you biting your tongue to keep quiet.”_

“How in the world do you hear that?”

_“I didn’t, but you just confirmed it.”_

Steve laughed out loud this time at the mock-betrayal in his lover’s voice, which caused him to wince at the shooting pains that went through his torso.

“I’m going to say a lot of very gay, mushy stuff right now, and I need you to just not interrupt me, okay? I have to tell you this.” Steve finally said, slight anxiety swirling around his stomach.

 _“Well, my ability to stay silent for long periods of time isn’t what I’m known for, so you should probably start talking.”_ Tony told him.

“I know that you care about me--you don’t need to say it. I shouldn’t have tried to force you into saying anything. That was selfish and I wasn’t thinking about what might be going on in the background for you. I understand that Howard is a piece of shit and you can’t come out. I shouldn’t always be pushing you for more, when just kissing me must be terrifying for you. I never understood why we had to be so careful and stuff, but I do now. I get it. I appreciate you being in a relationship with me, despite how dangerous it is for you. I never wanted to scare you away by saying what I’m about to tell you, but if they weren’t able to resuscitate me, I would have never been able to say it and you need to know: I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time. I love everything about you, Tony. Your hair, your eyes, your smell, your cocky little shit personality--all of it. I need you to know that, because I’m done being scared or upset over things that don’t really matter. I could have died and you wouldn’t have known how much you mean to me, and that’s way scarier than forcing myself to tell you.” Steve revealed in what felt like one breath, before quickly assuring him, “You don’t have to say it back right now...I just needed that off my chest.”

There is a long enough silence to make Steve pull the phone away from his ear and look at the screen to see if he’d hung up. He hadn’t.

 _"I’ll, uh...I need to...I’ll see you later or something, okay?”_ Tony finally said with a quiet, strained voice. Steve knew that voice after the time he spent watching Tony fall apart. He was crying.

“Okay.” Steve said, and then the line went dead.

“I didn’t know you loved him.” Bucky said from the doorway, obviously having been listening to the confession. “You sure that’s a good idea, punk? Love is serious. _I_ haven’t even messed with that, yet.”

“It wasn’t really a choice, but yeah...he’s a good guy. You just don’t know it unless you take the time to really know him.”

“Could'a fooled me. He’s really not the kind of person I imagined you with.”

“He’s the kind of person I want.”

“Guess that’s all that matters, then. If he hurts you, I’ll kick his ass. Or maybe Nat should do it--he’s pretty small.”

“He’s fun-sized.” Steve laughed affectionately.

Just then, the doctor came in with a clipboard and a friendly smile.

***

“Steve, sweetheart, I’m so glad to see you awake.” Mrs. Barnes exclaimed as she ran into his hospital room a few minutes after the doctor had left. “You nearly gave me a heart attack--I’m too old for you to be scaring me like this!”

“I’m sorry, Ma.” Steve told her, leaning into the careful hug she gave him. “You aren’t old, though...you don’t look a day over twenty-five.”

“I _feel_ a lot of days over twenty-five, but thank you.”

“Are you okay?” Becca asked from his other side, curiously looking at the IV in his arm.

“Yep, I’ll be good as new before you know it.” Steve reassured her, tapping her nose to make her smile. He was so glad to be back with his family.

Suddenly, another figure appeared in the doorway and Steve froze, realizing who it was.

“Tony Stark?” Mrs. Barnes asked curiously, completely unaware of his connection to Steve. “Can we help you?”

“Just here to make sure Steve’s in one piece. I think he’s trying to give me a heart attack before I’ve even finished my teen years.” Tony responded, looking over his unofficial boyfriend with a look Steve couldn’t quite make out.

“My mom already used that one.” Steve returned, giving him a lopsided smile. He looked so much better than the last time he’d seen him. There were still bags under his eyes--he must have been having trouble sleeping while Steve was touch-and-go for awhile--but his hair was carefully styled and his dress pants and button up shirt were clean and recently ironed. Steve missed Tony looking like a healthy, million dollar babe.

“How about a stroke?” Tony offered, walking further into the room. Bucky gently pulled his mother away from the side of the bed and nodded at Tony, who took that as permission to take her place beside Steve.

“Stroke hasn’t been claimed yet.”

“Consider it claimed, then.”

“Have I missed something?” Mrs. Barnes asked, looking between the two boys.

“C’mon, Ma, Becca, let’s give them some room for a second.” Bucky said, guiding both ladies out of the room.

Steve needed to remember to thank him.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon. I thought you’d avoid me for a bit after that.” Steve admitted, subtly brushing the back of Tony’s hand that was resting on the sheet. Steve missed being able to touch him without phasing through him. He wanted to jump up and pull the smaller man into his arms, but he knew that wasn’t really an option right then.Tony’s eyes flickered down to the contact and Steve quickly pulled it away, afraid that he was doing too much in public.

“I thought so, too, but I ended up here somehow.” Tony told him as he sat down on the edge of the uncomfortable hospital mattress.

“I’m sorry I was dramatic and tried to leave.”

“Yeah, don’t do that shit again.” Tony said, sending him a playful glare. “I should’ve told you to stay, though.”

“Don’t worry about it...I understand.”

Tony hesitantly reached forward and took Steve’s hand, lacing their fingers together. Steve’s heart skipped a beat as he stared down at their intertwined hands. Tony never did things like this in public--and even his behavior in private wasn’t usually affectionate in this way. It was usually more along the lines of playful pushing or copping feels of Steve’s biceps. Sometimes an occasional ass slap or quick kiss would pop up out of the blue. Tony had always very obviously been uncomfortable with intimate affection besides sex, so Steve was pretty thrown off by the hand-holding that Tony had initiated himself.

“Nobody’s ever told me that before...the thing you said on the phone.” Tony revealed, tracing his fingertips lightly over Steve’s knuckles. “Did...did you mean it?”

“Of course I meant it. Nobody’s ever told you that they loved you?” 

“Nope.” Tony shook his head. “Daddy dearest isn’t like that...and Mom wasn’t really involved all that much. She mostly stayed in her room. Sorry I got off the phone so fast--it caught me off guard. Didn’t really know how to respond. I’m bad at this stuff.”

“Well, you should get used to it, Tones…I’m going to be saying it to you for as long as you decide to keep me around. I have two years of being scared to tell you to make up for.”

Tony’s cheeks turned pink and Steve smiled, giving his hand a light squeeze. 

“Your mouth okay enough for me to kiss you?” Tony asked, chewing at his lower lip and looking up at Steve through his thick lashes.

“Good as ever, Doll.” Steve encouraged him.

Tony glanced at the empty doorway, before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Steve’s lips. It was probably meant to be a fast peck, but Steve followed him a bit as he pulled away, so Tony gave in and opened his mouth for Steve to deepen the kiss. Tony’s free hand caressed Steve’s cheek, before pulling away slightly to whisper, “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I hope you enjoyed this!
> 
> (It would mean the world for me if someone would follow [My Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/marvel-obsessed-chick) ...I currently only have 1 "Tumblr Cheese Bot" that follows me and it really doesn't get sadder than that)


End file.
